The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Dear Lord..
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway