I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂