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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.