Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL