After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops