Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
me doing my best
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses