The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.