I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
What the hell is going on?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad