LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.