therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
You have been warned.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters