“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
i’m still crying at this
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.