Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I have two kinds of followers
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.