In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
selfie game
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy