Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
good morning
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt