Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
my fav colour is also hitler
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
This did not end as expected.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
☠️☠️☠️