I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I just ran a .003048K
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.