Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Room with a view.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.