That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.