My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.