What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
it’s finally my moment to shine
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”