my favorite genre of twitter
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
*checks Timeline*…
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Does this dress make me look cat?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“i miss shittin on people”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭