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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“Huge”.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*