I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Noah
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Holy crap this is wonderful
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.