Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass