Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
You Might Also Like
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
This was my dad’s browser history.