political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”