If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
But that’s none of my business
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Trumpy Cat
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down