Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The government even made aliens boring
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Can. I. Help. You.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists