her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs