A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.