The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on