Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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