sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
#parenting
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
liiiiiiiiike
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.