New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.