I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back