God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
rise and shine we got egg
welp
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early