We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.