This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
be careful
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.