POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Thoughts
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.