Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try