god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”