every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
are there any atheist mantises?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born