What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
socratic questions
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?