*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.