[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
cry laughing at this shit
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it