My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Bruh PLEASE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.