Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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Salad is the decaf of food.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.