omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers