I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah