they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now